Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in No more.'s LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
11:08 pm	Good-bye, everyone. Okay. That was the last straw. I'm leaving this journal. It's been a quick journal, but I've really enjoyed it, and I think I've grown a lot as a person. But people I know really shouldn't be reading this journal. I can't be truly honest with my feelings without people reading it and thinking things and IMing me about things and yeah, no. I met some really great people... and this won't be the last you've heard from me. You can add my photojournal if you haven't done so yet; I'll still update that. butaneinmyveins. Good-bye. It's been nice. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
5:50 pm	At least I have the house to myself. But that's not nearly enough to make me happy. Fuck it. I'm sick of trying and getting laughs and awkwardness back. I'm no longer putting anymore effort in to it. Why should I with what you did today? I can just imagine the conversations you have about me. All three of you. Laughing and mocking and rediculing and the "aye" and just forget it. Nope, no more. I can't express how fucking pissed off and sadened I am right now. I walked away quickly, taking deep steps and hard stairs at the cars driving by. I walked with my shoulders straight and my head tilted upward, towards the sky. I jumped from shere anger to supressed tears and decided things had to change. This really hasn't been working out at all. "I'm mad and I'm not going to take it anymore!" Nope, no more effort from me. I want to give up for now and find another. Another, who I can learn from. Easy. Then, when the time comes--when it's truly right--I'll be more educated and wiser. I still couldn't believe that she told me that. And now it all makes sense. And now, even though I thought I could do it, I realized I can't. And now I'm slowly giving up. ********** I was so obnoxious and carefree and loving it today. I completely ruled and pissed everyone off in Trivial Pursuit in History. I knew everything on pop culture and history and almost all of my guesses were right. I was the only person in all his classes to get Taxi Driver right, and Cheez Whiz and Leonard Nemoy and Chubby Checker. I knocked out two people. I was having a great time shoutign when i knew the answer and hugging Melissa when she beat Raul and falling on the floor and making Mad Cough laugh. And in Algebra II, I'm completely loving whatever the hell we're doing with sequences and Sigma and sumation and whatever the hell that is. But it's like puzzles, trying to figure out the rquation and whether the series is arithmetic or geometric and all of that. And I sat with Heather and Nicole in lunch and had a great time, wishing they were always in first lunch. I had been feeling confident about my classes next year (AP Macroeconomics/American Government, AP English Literature, AP Art History, AP European History, AP Human Geography, World Religion/Holocaust Studies) and AP Biology and Marine Biology online and PreCal and Psychology during the summer. I was feeling very positive about next year and the summer and college and all of that. I was feeling great, I was. Laughing and being obnoxious and all that. But not anymore. Now all I can think is negative thoughts and why I'm not good enough and what I do that's so horrible. ********* Things need to change. I'm sick of only having girl friends, I am. I'm sick of girls and how cute this guy is and how they're always nitpicking and complaining and gossiping. I've decided that in college I'm going to seek out guy friends and get away from all girls all the times. And I think girls would like me more if I wasn't all of their friends. I really do. There's a reason all the girls talk all about Alex and all his friends. Goddammit. I like them, too. I'm so sick of girls always talking about Raul and Stefano and Shawn and Alex and Xavier and all of them that sit in that table in lunch and throw things and act like stupid, loud boys. It's too late for me now. But I really want to swtich sides. And I hate that I'm so jealous of Raul and all of them. Things are going to change. I'm no longer putting in effort. And I'm no longer going to be loud and obnoxious. I'm really not. I'm going to sit back and keep to myself and take things in and make people wonder and stop being someone I'm not. I swear to god. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 6th, 2004
5:48 am	P.S. Having nothing to do with school First I was excited. Then nervous. Then dissapointed in myself. Then scared. Then unsure of myself. Then awkward. Then freaked out. Then I ran away. And took a shower. And read 'Tis. And found it weird that Frank was sort of going through slightly the same thing. And knew it was going to fail--for both of us. And stood up. And leaned against the wall. And thought about how this could happen. And fell to the floor. And made a huge splash with the puddle gathering on my shower floor. And looked up to the ceiling. And felt sure I was never going to be good enough. And then I talked to someone. And then I thought about it. And then I realized I could do it. And then I planned out what I would do. And then I imagined the reation. And then I became blissful. Things are going to escalate. Yes, they are. And I'm ready for it. And I'm going to try my hardest to do it well. Current Mood: rejuvenated (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
11:11 pm	What a waste of a post. hahaha I eagerly await the day that I look back on this journal and feel embarrased for writing such useless crap and sad becuase the time went by so fast and happy becuase I'm nothing like the person who wrote in this journal anymore. The moodswings have been intense lately. I still have no idea what classes I should take next year and it keeps on haunting me to no end. I hate that school is all there is to my life right now. Makes for boring entries. AP, AP, AP, AP, AP!!!!! SAT's = confident--->disracted---->freaked out----->choked------>dissapointed---->next time, next time. English Languge = confident----->more confident---->break---->writing---->fuck!----->time wasted------>crap essays------>pissed off------>probably a 3, hopefully a 4. Review from hell is still not even 1/4th done. I have two days + tonight to do 600 terms. *dances*. I hope Andreia comes through. Antamony during the summer is a no-go. Unless I want to miss Mondays in school for the rest of the year to take a lab course. Fuck. Friday = AP US History. Confident becuase I was one of the top scorers in all of Mad Cough's classes. I'll probably choke, it's my nature. After US History = no more tests!!!!! School shall be slack--finally. The afternoon ater the test = having fun! Van Helsing, maybe. Renting movies and ordering pizza, maybe. Movies that need to be rented this weekend: Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. Elephant. Girl With a Pearl Earring. The Triplets of Belleville. Less important movies that will get rented sooner or later: Calendar Girls. Chasing Liberty. Peter Pan. The Last Samurai. Love Don't Cost a Thing. Osama. Timeline. Heck, I'll rent anything. After AP US Hsitory life = renting my immense list of movies, getting cracking on the summer movie season, finishing 'Tis, starting An American Childhood, and doing Johnson's portfolio. Update on portfolio later. FUN TIMES! the End. Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
Monday, May 3rd, 2004
11:18 pm	I'm a "HORRRRRRIBLE soul," did ya know? Chapter 2: Aunt Crisie's Funeral 1,000 people. Yes, there were 1,000 people at my aunt's funeral. There were men directing traffic to a church with two buildings that each held 250 people and a parking lot with maybe 50 parking lots. Cars were parked in the grass all the way down the street. Paramedics had to come becuase a woman fainted. I refused to look back at the masses of people becuase I didn't want them looking at me after all these years. The actual speech was horrible and I sat bobbing my head up and down, falling in and out of sleep and my sister hitting me and telling me how disrespectful I am. The speech was bland and I wanted to write one of my own and go up their and talk about something other than god. I wanted to talk about how beautiful and hilarious and open she was. The family sat in the middle front of the church as 1,000 people formed two lines that went out of the door to pay their respect to us. I sat in my seat with my chin on my hand as all kinds of people I've never seen came up and hugged my grandma and my uncle and my great grandmother. All I did was look at the program with the picture of her face on it and let the small puddles form in my tear ducts when I thought about her and the memories I have of her. I wuickly looked to the ceiling becuase I didn't want to look like my sister and my cousin and all of them blubbering. I didn't get up nor made eye contact with anyone becuase I didn't feel like faking a smile and pretending like I had any idea who the person hugging me and asking me how I am and how much I've grown was. After the 1,000 people cleared out of the church, we drove to the gathering at this guy's house in Homestead. Again, there were people directing traffic and I looked as 1,000 people's cars were lined up forming a circle around this guy's immense house and lawn. We were allowed to enter into the front door and sat in this guy's living room as everyone else was in the immense backyard. There were ushhers by the doors to let people in and out and there were people serving food behind the tables to the line of people going out the backdoor and halfway through this guy's backyard. I sat in the corner and looked at the photo albums of my aunt and just waited until this giant, rediculous production was over. Second Part of Epilouge: Dad's Photography Last weekend, my father saw me taking out all the photo albums and scanning pictures. So the next day he took me to his room where he had all his pictures he's taken all sprawled out on his bed. I looked at each one in silence for 15 minutes and then proceeded to take them in a giant pile to the scanner. ( Why isn't he still a photgrapher? ) the End. Current Mood: rushed (Comment on this)
Friday, April 30th, 2004
12:53 am	commas haunt me in my sleep. I saw him yesterday when I went to another class to make up a test. He was sitting in the corner, and if I wouldn't have gotten bored and looked around the class, I wouldn't have noticed him. He was smiling. Huge dimples and smiling. He looks a lot different than before, maybe because I never really paid him attention before. Before I thought he was just one of those dumbasses, making jokes and acting like a fool. I stared at him for a few minutes and I couldn't place the emotion that overcame me. I think it was jealousy, although I don't have anything to be jealous about. Yes I do. I hate it when I'm not mentioned but I understand why and I want to leave live journal because of it. This makes no sense and I don't care because I'm having the worst week of my life and I'm sick of all this shit. And this really isn't the best time for me to have fucking narcolepsy. I have SAT's on Friday, two hours later my Aunt's funeral, my AP English test on Monday, and my AP US History test on Friday. Oh and in I have exactly a week to do 700 terms for my Review From Hell. That is perhaps the most stressful thing I've ever been assigned before. Seriously. And it doesn't help that I have no energy whatsoever. I doesn't help that I came home and slept from 6 PM to 6 AM on Tuesday night. And it doesn't help that I came home anc slept from 10 PM to 6 PM on Wednesday night. Oh and it doesn't help that I come home and fall asleep after doing two terms and slept from 4:30 to 7:30. It doesn't help that Leslie isn't talking to me. And it doesn't help that Carla is upset with me and not telling me why and telling me to fuck myself and calling me an ass and telling me that this is how I met her and don't try to change her. It doesn't help that my computer has a virus and I can't type my commentary for English and my computer keeps freezing and my dad keeps yelling at me for how much I've messed up the computer even though it wasn't me. It doesn't help that my family is all around me and not letting me get my work done. My nephew running around, knocking on my door, and yelling, "UNCLE!" My sister sleeping on the couch next to me, snoring. My sister annoyed the fuck out of me, following me around and asking me what's wrong. My cousin on her cell phone with her boyfriend/beau/I don't know and having that STUPID voice that girls make when they're talking to boys on the phone and naming all the girls she knows and asking him if he likes her more than them. Me being stuck in the [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<a [...] time.>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] I saw him yesterday when I went to another class to make up a test. He was sitting in the corner, and if I wouldn't have gotten bored and looked around the class, I wouldn't have noticed him. He was smiling. Huge dimples and smiling. He looks a lot different than before, maybe because I never really paid him attention before. Before I thought he was just one of those dumbasses, making jokes and acting like a fool. I stared at him for a few minutes and I couldn't place the emotion that overcame me. I think it was jealousy, although I don't have anything to be jealous about. Yes I do. I hate it when I'm not mentioned but I understand why and I want to leave live journal because of it. This makes no sense and I don't care because I'm having the worst week of my life and I'm sick of all this shit. And this really isn't the best time for me to have fucking narcolepsy. I have SAT's on Friday, two hours later my Aunt's funeral, my AP English test on Monday, and my AP US History test on Friday. Oh and in I have exactly a week to do 700 terms for my Review From Hell. That is perhaps the most stressful thing I've ever been assigned before. Seriously. And it doesn't help that I have no energy whatsoever. I doesn't help that I came home and slept from 6 PM to 6 AM on Tuesday night. And it doesn't help that I came home anc slept from 10 PM to 6 PM on Wednesday night. Oh and it doesn't help that I come home and fall asleep after doing two terms and slept from 4:30 to 7:30. It doesn't help that Leslie isn't talking to me. And it doesn't help that Carla is upset with me and not telling me why and telling me to fuck myself and calling me an ass and telling me that this is how I met her and don't try to change her. It doesn't help that my computer has a virus and I can't type my commentary for English and my computer keeps freezing and my dad keeps yelling at me for how much I've messed up the computer even though it wasn't me. It doesn't help that my family is all around me and not letting me get my work done. My nephew running around, knocking on my door, and yelling, "UNCLE!" My sister sleeping on the couch next to me, snoring. My sister annoyed the fuck out of me, following me around and asking me what's wrong. My cousin on her cell phone with her boyfriend/beau/I don't know and having that STUPID voice that girls make when they're talking to boys on the phone and naming all the girls she knows and asking him if he likes her more than them. Me being stuck in the <A TITLE="Click for more information about car with her, slamming my head against the window and pulling my hair. JEEEESUS. I just want to watch <A TITLE="Click for more information about movies and take pictures. And not lay in bed with my History book and my notebook next to me. And stretching my limbs onto the sides of the bed and daydreaming and wasting hours of my life that I can be looking up things on Shay's Rebellion and the Paxton Boys and the Aroostook War. Mother fucker. I hate the fact that he did that. And that. I hate the fact that he's so fucking smart but he doesn't really show it. And I hate the fact that I compare myself to him and wonder. And I saw him get put of the car and I stared at him. I want to take all three of them and put them in a bag and shit them off to Timbuktu and then take her to Lacuna Inc and be happy. But I'm just being a stupid teenager and wasting an hour of my life writing an entry when I should be doing the rest of the 700 terms. But I can't stop making my mind wander. I can't stop worrying about my tests and my family and what classes I should take next year and her and why I'm always worrying about her. And I know that everyone just wants me to shut up and stop worrying and I can't and I just want to leave already and sorry this post is so horrible but I don't care and I'm sick of having to worry if my posts are good enough and if I'm pleasing my audience of my LJ friends and shit like that is what makes me want to make a private journal with no friends and no having to worry about making boring posts and making your LJ friends happy. Goddammit. Review time. <center><img src=http://img43.photobucket.com/albums/v132/soy_un_perderdor/pulleth_me_into_darkness.jpg></center> the End. Current Mood: worried Current Music: King of the Hill (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
3:27 am	I don't understand how religion equals hate. Today I woke up at 12 by my nephew screaming and my sister crying and telling him she doesn't want to be around him right now. He's two and has no idea what's going on and I pick him up and lay with him on the couch and he's still screaming because my sister is crying and refusing to pick him up. She tells me that the family went to a family meeting at Uncle Guido's Aunt's house and she and I weren't invited because we're young and don't matter even though perfect 17-year old Chelsea can go and make decisions for the funeral but she has to stay home because the whole family hates her. She's crying and telling me that she wasn't even allowed to go see her aunt in the hospital because she had to take care of Grandma Tootie. She tells me that she gave Aunt D.D. a hug yesterday and told her she loved her and Aunt D.D. replied with, "If you love me and if you loved Chrissie, you'd come back into the truth.” I don't understand how a person could say that and I'm reminded of the Holocaust and the crusades and the Israelis and the Palestinians and the Irish and the English and I wonder why religion has such a determining factor on how you view other people. I don't understand why a person can follow a religion so fanatically so as to not love your own family just because they don't hold the same views that you do. I don't understand how religion can force people to act so cold and with such malice. It don't understand how others can cling to their religions so fanatically without realizing that all religions are formed by a people who all claim to know the truth, and who all say they have proof to back up what they believe in. Like Rastafarians who say that they're supposed to smoke pot because it says so in the bible. Like Jehovah's Witnesses who say that they're not supposed to celebrate holidays because it says so in the bible. I don't understand why a person can live their life according to what a book says. I don't understand how all the religions can interpret this book into saying what they want it to say and have proof for everything. I could write a book saying that god told me we should all shave our pubic hair and make clothing out of it and people would follow me and persecute their loved ones for not believing it the truth about god and that his purpose for us is to shave our pubic hair and make clothing out of it. A man wrote the Mormon bible and everyone in that faith accepts this as the truth about god and even Donnie and Marie Osmand are living their lives according to what this man says. Tom Cruise and John Travolta follow scientology and follow a man who writes books that get turned into awful information about movies and their families accept this as the truth and probably persecute and look down on all others that don't. I don't understand why a person can't just worship god the way they wish to without following a religion formed by some guy or a group of people who claim to know the truth about god. I don't understand why everyone in the world can't just believe in what they believe in and worship their god/gods without persecuting everyone else that doesn't believe the same way. I don't understand how a person is supposed to turn to god for love and support when he’s being used as a means to kill others and persecute others and treat others like their the scum of the earth because they think that they'll be reincarnated or they think that Armageddon will come and destroy everything or they think that they'll be in heaven with Grandma Esther and Cousin Jessica. I don't understand why everyone has to believe in what their parents believe in and if they don't they're shunned by their parents and prayed for because our son Josh had premarital sex and he's doomed to be burning up in hell where the devil is going to have a field day with him. I don't understand religion and why it has to equal hate and I wish that there would be no religion at all--no Jesus, no Buddha, no Allah, no Jehovah--so that everyone would be nicer to each other and I know that everyone is putting their heads down in shame at me and my comments and thinking that he’s doomed because he don't follow a religion and talks about my one true religion with such blasphemy. But I don't care and I just want it to end so my Aunt can love my sister and my sister will want to pick up my nephew and comfort him so I don't get waked up in my sleep while dreaming of a better world. P.S. It’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I’m tired and annoyed with everyone and if I offended you then oh well and if I got facts wrong about religions it’s because it’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I’m tired and I don’t care and I annoyed at the world. Current Mood: confused (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 26th, 2004
1:17 am	Perhaps the longest post in Live Journal history, but an important and good one, I promise. Prologue: Understanding My Family My mother married into craziness, and it has enclosed around her ever since. My mother's family isn't crazy nor complicated. They're funny and fun and easy-going. They're simple with just German and English in them. My father's family has every Eastern European country in them--and they're all crazy. Yes, all of them. Her father's mother's parents were my Italian Papa Joe Marziale and my mixed Grandma Tootie Bond. Everyone loved Papa Joe. He was the epitome of a Mafioso Italian. Bald, big glasses, big gut, bright suits, big and generous heart. My great grandma is another story. When she was little she came down with Tuberculoses. The 2nd youngest child with 5 other sisters and 3 other brothers. She was babied all her life because she miraculously recovered from a disease that at that time was killing almost everyone it infected. She lived her life being babied, and my Papa Joe carried along the tradition. She has a personality disorder, and everything is about her. She is a classic hypochondriac, always claiming to have an illness so that all the attention can be on her and she can be taken care of. She's the only person I've ever known to truly get satisfaction in verbally attacking you. Her mouth is a bazooka that attacks people and kills them; kills their souls. My father’s mother was an only child and was used to having all the attention around her always. She was the most beautiful child ever, earning her the nickname, Dolly. Looking at her now, you'd never imagine she was a wild child. Now she is a bible-thumper. Then, she was so smart, the school system put her in 6th grade when she was supposed to be in 4th grade. This ruined her. She craved the attention and acknowledgment from her older friends and started "running with the wrong crowd." She dropped out of school when she was in eighth grade. She got pregnant with my father, John Hess, and married when she was 17. She got divorced from Norman Hess, my grandfather, and my father never saw him again. She got remarried when she got pregnant for the second time with my Aunt Denise. She was 19. She was young and a hairdresser and not emotionally ready to be a mother. She ended up having another daughter whom she gave up for adoption, never hearing from her again. My father's mother's parents ended up adopting my father and aunt, and they ended up being raised by people a generation behind everybody else's parents. He was in the mid-40s when all the other kids were in the mid-60s. His last name changed to Marziale, and he grew up poor by his grandparents. He had inherited the mental illness from that his mother had from her mother. All 9 of the Bond children had mental illnesses. My father grew up being emotionally abused my his grandmother, while idolizing his grandfather who had no energy to stop her from years of being attacked himself. My father's mother ended up marrying a Colombian TV producer in Akron, Ohio named Jorge and finally settled down. She ended up living comfortably and having two other kids, Aunt Chrissie and Uncle Tony, while my father and Aunt Denise lived in poverty with their grandparents. My father ended up becoming exactly like his grandfather, plus depression and other mental illness. He became a worrying pessimist. A borderline genius, he did average in school, while finding comfort in Science and History and photography outside of school. My Aunt Chrissie and Uncle Tony were polar opposites. Uncle Tony was wild and always in trouble, while Aunt Chrissie was a fervent stickler by the rules and habitual tattle-teller. Aunt Chrissie was often times stuck up, while Uncle Tony was a free spirit. Both were fun, though. Aunt Chrissie never had any qualms for saying exactly was she was was thinking. She was never embarrassed and never thought twice about approaching a person and asking them anything. Uncle Tony got into surfing and drugs, and eventually landed himself in jail for shoplifting. Aunt Chrissie ended up becoming actively religious and made herself the perfect daughter. My father met my mother when he was 20 and she was 17. My father, a pessimist who scoffed at the trends of the 70s and made fun of disco and everything in pop culture. My mother was normal and funny and charismatic. 5'10 and as skinny as a rail. My mom thought my father was cute but was turned off by his ragged clothes and odd manner. Apparently this worked out, and they were engaged after 8 months when my father told my mother to marry him or dump him, because he wasn't going to stay with this if it wasn't going to work out. My mother's parents were opposed to the very thought, and they were married in a double wedding with my Aunt Denise and Uncle Mark in 1981. They were young and rushed into marriage because my dad was horny and they weren’t having sex until marriage. Fast forward exactly a year and you have my sister and 5 years and 5 days and you have me. They were young and horny and naïve as to how to manage their money and they’re still paying for it in debts decades later. Fast Forward to 2004. Papa Joe has been dead for 11 years. My father insists years of abuse from Grandma Tootie took its toll on him. Grandma Tootie is a belligerent old hag, still claiming she has a horrible cough, bad eyes, completely ill despite doctors who say she's as healthy as an ox. Lisa "Dolly" Marziale is Lisa Gomez and divorced from Jorge Gomez for 9 years. She's living with almost no money, no longer able to do hair and cleaning houses for a living. She is completely involved in Church and goes around talking about god with her eighth grade education. Aunt Denise has been married to Uncle Mark for 22 years and have a 17-year old daughter named Chelsea who looks like a model with a wonderful personality. They live in Vero Beach, Florida along with my grandmother and Uncle Tony. Uncle Tony is in a steady job and has settled down ever since his daughter, Kaylie was born. He still smokes pot, claiming, "It's like my Coffee." Aunt Chrissie and her husband, Guido Munoz, are dedicated to god and are actively involved in the church. They're young and beautiful and everyone loves them. My father and mother are doing pretty well. My mother, Lisa, does nothing but work and drive her family around everywhere; and my father does nothing but go to work and watch my sister's 2-year old, Joey. Their lives are preoccupied and full of nothing meaningful. My sister, Christina, is 22 with a 2-year old, living with my parents and doing nothing with her life. I'm secluded from everyone. No one in my family knows me or really talks to me. And although it saddens me when I think about it, that's how I really want it. I don't see my family too often. My Aunt Denise, Uncle Mark, Chelsea, Grandma Gomez, and Uncle Mark live in Vero and come down about 4 times a year. I barely see my Aunt Chrissie and Uncle Guido since their lives revolve around the church. For the first time in many months, I eat lunch with them on a Sunday and tell them about the sign language show at my school since they're so interested in it. To my surprise, my Aunt Chrissie--blonde, thin, young, beautiful--shows up to the show to see me. She sits with my mom and laughs and when it ends she waves to me from as she drives away. Chapter 1: The Death of Aunt Chrissie Fast forward to Saturday of that week. I am out and about, taking pictures and enjoying my solitude. It’s 11:30 and I’m screaming and pounding the pay phone with tears in my eyes because I think I’m stranded in an empty parking lot of a shopping center with no change and no one picking up at my house. I finally found some change in my pocket and get though to my mom who tells me Aunt Chrissie is going to die. I freeze… inhale slowly… and say in a shaky voice, "What?" There was a 5 minute silence with my mother and me with shaky voices and awkwardness. I tell her to call Carla and I wait for the call. Ten minutes later and the pay phone has no dial tone when I pick up the rings. I run in my new flip flops across 137 and convince a man to trade me a dollar for the dollar in tokens I had on accident. He doesn’t speak English but he caught the drift when I basically snatch the dollar from him and put the tokens in his hand. I go up to the man at the desk of the bowling alley and ask him in a quiet voice to change my dollar last dollar for quarters. I run to the only other pay phone in the shopping center and call my mom and call Carla who both say there’s people on their way for me. Gaby and her mom pick me up and I tell my neighbors who drive by me that I don’t need a ride but thanks. I sit in silence in the car ride home and Gaby tells her mom where to turn. They ask me questions, which I mumble answers to and make them not want to ask anymore. I walk into the house and call my mom. She tells me my Aunt Chrissie and Uncle Guido were walking their dog when a drunk driver runs a stop sign and is hit by a speeder whose car skids and knocks my uncle back and slams into my Aunt’s head and Uncle Guido is fine but Aunt Chrissie has been brain dead since the moment the car hit her. She told me Uncle Guido picked up Aunt Chrissie and walked her to their house and washed the blood off of her but she had no brain activity at all. I got a knot in my throat and manage to squeeze out for her to call me if anything else happens. I want to stay up all night and mourn with the whole family but they’re at the hospital and I’m alone in an empty house at 1 o’clock when sleep overcomes me. I wake up the next morning at 10 o’clock and hear voices in the living room. I walk out into it and find my Aunt D.D., Chelsea, my mother, and Grandma Gomez quietly talking. I give them all hugs and sit on the ataman. They tell me how they barely recognize me since I’ve grown so much and have new red hair. I still barely have a reaction. My dad is keeping himself busy so he doesn’t have to think about by doing yard work even though he hasn’t for a long time because of his bad shoulder. My grandma is talking about the funeral and how big it’s going to be since there were over 100 people at the hospital last night. My mother is quiet and later on goes to cook. Chelsea is randomly crying with her model looks and curly, blonde hair. My Uncle Guido comes ten minutes later and everyone is quiet. He’s calm and he gives me a long hug and tells me how much Aunt Chrissie enjoyed my show and how great she thought I was. I wonder what it’s going to be for him now being alone after being with her for 13 years, ever since he was barely out of puberty. He leaves and everyone starts talking again. After about an hour, I go into the bathroom with a towel and ‘Tis. I start thinking about how I saw my aunt on Wednesday and how much she enjoyed my show and tears start slowly coming down. I read ‘Tis for about ten minutes when I put it down in mid-sentence and put my upper body on the other side of the shower curtain and into the box of steam and flowing water. My mom knocks on the door after ten minutes and tells me to stop using all the hot water and get out of there because my Uncle Tony was here with his girlfriend. Uncle Tony tells me he can’t believe how much I’ve grown and I’m getting almost as tall as he is. He’s wearing sunglasses, spiked hair, tight jeans, a wife beater, and an open button up shirt. You can see all his tattoos and he smiles with his deep voice and laughs at something. He’s barely acting differently even though his full sister, his beloved nemesis, is on the verge of death. But I know he’s crying on the inside and he’s not one to cry--ever. Everyone eventually leaves to the hospital when my Uncle calls and tells us to hurry, that they were going to take her off of life support. I’m left with my sister; my grandmother’s young, black roommate, Regina; and Grandma Tootie, who sits in her wheelchair and stares at my nephew running around the house. She makes comments about how it smells funny and how my nephew sure does mess up the house and how it’s too hot and her cough is so bad and she has heartburn and she can’t see anyone because her eyes are so bad. We stay like this for about 3 hours as just about everyone I’ve ever known in my 16 years of life stops by our house to see us and ask us how we are and drop off food and stay on the couch for a long time with all of us staring at each other in silence and them not taking the hint that we just want to be alone. My parents haven’t been too involved in the church for about 2 years now, so I haven’t seen all of these people in years. Everyone tells me how different I look, how my face shape is completely different, how tall I’ve gotten, how long and red my hair is, how the only thing they recognize are my beautiful eyes. Everyone was there. At least 100 people periodically came to my house. Every 5 minutes there’d be a knock on the door and peole in suits and dressed come in and make me feel awkward. At least I can pretend I’m so sad that I’m quiet and it’s not that I’m nervous and don’t know how to act around adults that explains why I’m not being very friendly or responsive to them. My old best friend came with his family and I don’t know what to say to him since I haven’t seen him in forever and I don’t know who he is anymore. My Aunt’s good friend, Bethany, comes and we haven’t seen her in a year ever since she and my sister got in a fight and we all have disdain for her. She acts like nothing happened and I feel happy when she’s all loud and funny and gives my sister a long hug and tells me I’m too thin, I need some meat on my bones, go eat some chicken. Everyone hugs me and shakes my hand and I feel overwhelmed that so many people I used to know are all around me in such a short period of time and I don’t know what to say to them. In the night, everyone comes back, including Grandma Gomez’s ex-husband and Aunt Chrissie’s father. He’s old and he has a beard and a gut, which make Grandma happy. He doesn’t say anything to me when he sees me. This is the man who told my father he didn’t want me around when I was little because I was too hyper and he couldn’t take it. He finally says hi to me and tells me he thought I’d be built like my father and that I’m so calm when I used to be bouncing off the walls. I want to hit him but he’s been taking the news the worst out of everybody and he’s acting like this because he’s in grief. I stare at the piles of food and all the people in the living room and I want to take pictures but I don’t want everyone to look at me weirdly. I sit quietly and nibble on my croissant while everyone talks to each other. It isn’t until everyone leaves at 10:30 that I start to lighten up and get comfortable and happy. My cousin, my mother, and my sister laugh and tell embarrassing stories like when my sister farted on the metal chair in church when she was acting like a bitch and it served her right, and when Chelsea slipped in the movie theater and fell on her face and didn’t realize there was popcorn in her hair the entire night. I laugh and act like a smartass, and I start to lighten up. I’m actually enjoying the company of my family. I think about my aunt and all of the times we had and how much I idolized her and my uncle and how young and beautiful they were. I looked up to her and her quick wit and her beautiful blonde hair and didn’t know why people would complain about her being so prissy. My parents say that in the past couple of years she’s been a lot nicer and fun to be around and that makes me happy that she didn’t go when everyone disliked her. It makes me wonder why a death makes everyone be nice to each other and give each other hugs and forget about the bad blood and everything bad. I wonder why it takes my aunt’s death to make me appreciate my psychotic family more and not hold disdain for them. Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh to them and distant from them. Who knows, maybe in the future I’ll actually want to be around them and talk to them and tell past stories around a big table at a restaurant. We’ll smile and make fun of each other and laugh and be loud and accept all of our insanity and joke about it and enjoy each other’s company. It will be great, it will. ( Epilogue: Marziale Family Photo Album ) the End. Current Mood: hopeful (17 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 25th, 2004
12:55 am	Brain Dead. It was to be a good day. It was a good day. In the beggining at least. I woke up at 10, made myself some waffles, and watched Win a Date With Tad Hamilton!. The movie was pretty cute and I was in a good mood. I decided, since I watched Kill Bill Volume 1 last night, that I would go by myself to see Volume 2 and buy myself some stuff since I actually had money. I mowed the lawn for some money and headed out the door at 4. I waited for the bus, which drove past me, making me flail my arms around to make it stop. I was the only person on the bus (the only other person, some old lady, got on a buch of stops after me) and the bus driver looked at me with a smile. She was black and stopped in the middle of the rode on the way to the metrorail station to tell some man walking his dog how much she loves those kinds of dogs and how beautiful his is. Cars beeping. The world seemed to be hiding today, at least in the beginning. There was no one at the Dadeland South station, and its desertedness made me inspired. I took several pictures on the 8 floor of the parking garage and was loving my independence and solitude. I walked to Sunset Place noticing all the beauty in the things around me. How symmetrical the metrorail statiopn was, how pretty Sunset Place is, the trees, the clouds, the people walkng around me. I needed a wallet and some sandals. Maybe a belt and shirts. I got a quicksilver wallet at PacSun that I thought looked very nice. I actually stepped into Hollister since Alex is always talking about their sandals. I felt horrible becuase I make fun of all who shop in Hollister. I quickly fled it, realizing what I was going. I got a pair of black sandals at Urban Outfitters and 2 tight, solid-colored shirts. I was feeling great; I was going to look hot on Monday. I went to Eckerds to get some chips and water and walked into the theater. I loved the movie and was feeling great about my alone day where I was to get things done and not stay at home the whole time. I lied to my parents. I told them I was with friends. I gave a fake number. I didn't want them to question why I was going out by myself. I walked back to the metrorail at 8. I had an hour and a half until I had to be on 88 and 137 to catch the West Dade Connection. I waited for 2 hours for the 88 to come, listening to Coldplay, reading Entertainment Weekly, and looking at all the people waiting for the bus. It took 2 hours to get there. I missed my chance of catching the West Dade Connection, which meant that I was going to have to call my mom to tell her to pick me up. I walked for 5 minutes to Burger King. It was 11, and Burger King was closed. Damn. I needed to find a pay phone. I crossed 88 and walked for 10 mnutes looking for a pay phone. I finally found one next to Don Pan, and I put the money I had saved just for the pay phone. It ate my change. I called my house collect and there was no answer. I walked to the Bowling Alley, which I knew that a machine for chaning dollars into quarters. It gave my a dollar worth of tokens. It was 11:30. I waiting in line at Wendys--the only place open--and got a frosty so I could get change. My stomach was in pain from running around looking for change and pay phones. My mom was surely going to yell at me when I called her. I called collect abour 8 times before I got change at Wendys. I finally got through to my mom and asked her where she was. 11:45. "I'm at the Jackson trauma center." "Oh my god, why?" "Aunt Chrissie got hit by a car and she's going to die." Current Mood: I don't know. Current Music: nothing (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 23rd, 2004
10:03 pm	It's been more than 2 weeks since Andy's birthday and I still haven't sent her anything. A letter, an email, a present. Nothing. I IMed her twice and she said not to talk to her and that she was dissapointed at her lack of acknowledgement on her birthday. I feel horribly, but I've been too lazy and drained to do too much of anything lately. It's an effort to get out of bed, to do my homework, to do anything. I was just sitting here in silence, staring at the computer screen. My glasses are dirty and I'm seeing everything hazy with little blotches everywhere. The ceiling fan isn;t on like it usually is, so I'm hot. I'm hot and my ears feel like they're throbbing. I'm hot, my ears are throbbing, and I just had one of those moments like you see in movies where you feel like traveling quickly forward while your body remains where it is. You know where it feels like you're leaving your seat and traveling forward without moving at all. Very cliche movie feeling. Well, I've been having those lately. I have to shake my head to bring myself back to my body and focus on what I'm doing. My eyes start to unfocus and my eyeballs start to roll to the back of my head. I have to close my eyelids and move my eyebals around quickly so as to wake myself up and not let me knock out write here, next to the computer. I need sleep--desperatley. I need sleep and this school year just needs to end already so I can be even closer to a new life and freedom from the nothingness and monotany. <lj-cut text="More pictures from the trip. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
9:37 pm	Too much water made the soup taste bland. I'm in a perpetual funk. It's been like this for days now. Nothing excites me, interests me, moves me. I spend all of my hours in the shower or in my bed or wandering around. I spend all my hours reading or imagining my future or staring off into pace. Taking pictures and messing around with them is my only source of entertainment recently. ********** I guess I should be happy. I went to the FSPA Journalism convention on Monday morning. It sucks that I didn't really enjoy the trip at all. Bobby Joe had a blast. I think Cristina did too. Probably Leslie. I know Alex enjoyed it. But me, not so much. I don't feel like writing for 12 pages about what we did. It was nothing special. We acted like fools the whole time. Alex ditched us for most of the trip for some rich, reeealy dumb girls from Palmetto and ended up... well let's say his hands weren't in his pockets. He slept in their room too. Mrs. Cowan was actually really cool to us. Leslie was giving me the cold shoulder for 1/3 of the trip. Whatever. I took 125 pictures. I'll be posting them gradually. Although I had fun, I felt down on myself the whole time and distanced. Downtown Tampa was really pretty. I just wanted to walk around and take pictures by myself. But that was against the rules and I was too tired. Blah. Maybe I'll write about some things later. Whatever. The trip was whatever. ( Those goddamn ghetto kids from Sunset in the back of the bus ) ********** As soon as I got back from the trip, at 4, I had to go with Nicole to practice seeing as how the sign language show was at 6:30 and I hadn't practiced at all and had no costumes or anything else ready. Whoops. Nicole and I ended up making a really dumb dance to "We are Siamese." Then we had to rush to Partcy City to look for some cat costumes that took us 15 minutes to fun and something to make me look like "A Little Black Rain Cloud." The show actually went really well. Mostly everyone was really good. I improvised everything and everyone was cracking up at everything I did. That was a good note. Too rushed though. Jesus. ********** Today was an alone day. Heather has been really distant lealtey, and depressed. Everyday is the worst day she's had in a long time, she tells me. I wish there was something I could do to make her at least close to happy. Leslie was ignoring me today. Don't know what I did now. Apparently I hit her too much. Fuck off. Stop trying to change how everyone acts all the time. You have to make fun of everything I do and everything everyone else does. All you do is make fun of people and complain about how dumb everyone is. Nobody cares, though, becuase you're cute and hilarious. I care. I'm getting really sick of all your negativity and your constant attitude and sarcasm. Carla wasn't there after school. I miss her so much. It was okay, becuase after Mrs. Johnson's AP Review, I decided to not wate my early release day and actually do something... with myself. I decided to treat myself to some Burger King. I hopped on the bus with my books and walked to Burger King... lJGHDKJAGDHJsGDhjgsjkaKLDJKLDJAL;jalskjSJSAFKVB. I don't feel like writing a post anymore. I'm sick of writing about what I did and blah blah. I wish I wasn't so lazy all the time and had the energy to write a good, complete post. A good one that expressed all the thoughts and feelings I've been having lately. I'm going to go to lay in bed. My bed is warm. My red blanket is my lover. My thoughts are my comfort. Current Mood: gloomy (Comment on this)
Monday, April 19th, 2004
12:43 am	Drink up baby down. It feels like it's 3 AM and I'm sitting here in silence waiting. Last night we talked on the phone until 3:15, mumbling and yawning and inhaling. Fell asleep with a smile on. Signs of things to come, they better be. I don't think I like knowing that something is going to happen. It should be more spontaneous. Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe this will pass and we'll forget these feelings, lose them. Maybe when we're actually ready we'll have changed. Let's not think about the bad that could happen. Imagining the good in bed is how I pass my time lately. Like this morning when I woke up at 8:45 to, "There's some girls here that say you're supposed to do this AIDS thing." "Goddamnit Sam you always make plans without telling me." "He's not going." "They left." "Good." Felt like crap for not being up when Carla and Michelle came to pick me up. I guess I didn't miss much though. I stayed in bed for 4 hours this morning. Waking up every half an hour and remaining awake for 10 minutes. Yelling at my mom to shut my door. Clutching my pillow. Going underneath my red blanket. Whispering I love you to the person not in bed with me. I have too many romatic images of laying in bed with my girlfriend/lover/wife/whatever. I'll stroke her hair and rub her cheeks and smile at her and whisper in her hair and grab her shoulders and kiss her neck and stare at her sleeping. I want to be old already. I want to be with you already. I usually hold back from writing this becuase I know you'll read it and maybe get scared but I don't care. It's always in my head and I just want to write it freely already. Holding your hand and stroking your fingers for the brief two minutes it happened made me completely wrapped in joy. Maybe i should delete this post and write about AP Art History. I'll be thinking about you a lot of the trip. On the 5 hour bus ride, roaming around the empty hotel at 2 o'clock in the morning, sitting in the rooms and listening to the speakers talk about journalism, which I really don't have very much interest in anymore. I have too much interest in you, I think. I can't rationalize too much anymore. All I do is create perfect images of how we will be and what we'll do and how happy we'll be. I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: Frou Frou (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 17th, 2004
8:08 pm	tape in my mouth. I wonder if you thought it was innocent, no big deal, simple. I thought it was incredible, blissful, overwhealming. You must've thought it was simple; only I find small things like that to be momentous. I sat in bliss, eye closed, inhaling slowly, grining. I keep thinking about it today and recreating it in my head. The future is going to be great. New schedule for next year: AP American Government/Macroecomics, AP Enlgish Literature, AP Art History, AP European History, American Sign Language 2, Comparative World Religion/Holocaust Studies. No more Newspaper or Statistics. No newspaper is going to be really hard... I've given up on caring about this year. I just want to take me SATs and AP tests and forget about the year. Yesterday, we went to see Connie and Carla. Michelle, Alex, and Carla picked me up. Sang old songs with the windows down, wind blasting my face. Picked up Leslie. Took pictures. Shouted and waved at random people in cars. Went to Burger King. Continued acting crazy. Alex and Carla were quiet. Watched the movie. Laughed but mainly rolled my eyes at most of it. Felt really happy for Carla and kept on smiling every time she got all flustered when she saw David Duchouvny. Stroked her hand a little. Walked to Flippers to take booth pictures. Left after chongas were before us waiting in line doing their hair. Went to the Gellato place that Leslie loves. Ate gellato at metals tables outside at 10 o'clock. Took pictures. Screamed at random people. Went home. ( had fun ) Tommorow is the AIDS walk thing. Don't really want to go. Monday is the Newspaper trip. Don't really want to go either. My review from hell really needs to get done. Really don't really want to do that. I just want to lay in bed all day. Thinking about the future and its possibilites. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Monday, April 12th, 2004
12:20 am	Random. The Nick and Jessica Variety hour. Dear god save us. My mom after I told her to shh after she was yelling at me: "Don't shush me you little shit!" Took a practice AP US History test online. You need to get 60% in order to qualify for a passing score (that's 48 out of 80). I got 43 right. I wasn't taking it very seriously and I haven't reviewed anything at all yet. That's pretty good, I think. As long as I do the review from hell, I'm sure I'll do fine on the test. I wanted ice cream all day. A pudding pop. An ice cream sandwich. Cookie Dough. The ice cream man passed by my house and I quickly grabbed some pants and my sandals, but alas, he was gone with I got to the door. Mother fucker. Who makes you feel the way that I make you feel? Read 'Tis in the shower today. Then laid down in the shower and imagined myself having some great, hot, wet sex in it. I want to have sex in the shower so bad. Jesus I'm horny. If The Passion makes more money than Return of the King did I'm going to be very angry. The Journalism trip is on the 19th. Wow that's only a week away. I'm not going to be ready for the SATs and I'm not going to do very much better this time. Watch. My new clothes are hot. I'm going to be "hawt like fyre" tomorrow. I'm sick of these lips keeping to themselves. I'm sick of hiding underneath the seats in the dugout. I want someone to share my red blanket with. This school year needs to end. This summer is going to be great. Movies and pictures and volunteering and alone time and working and Miami Dade and new clothes and new hair and hanging out with friends and summer reading. Next year is going to be great too. Then I'm off to college!! My GPA is pure crap. I need to get straight A's next year. I see us in a small studio apartment. Your easel in the corner, next to the couch and coffee table with magazine and photography books on it, facing the window. It's early morning and the sun is shining on us. We're sprawled on the bed. White sheets. You're wearing a white t-shirt with some small panties on. I'm shirtless in boxers. I'm sleeping on my back and you're on your stomach. Arm on my chest. I wake up before you and smell your hair while you sleep. I stare up at the ceiling, close my eyes, exhale slowly, and smile. I put my arm around your shoulder and squeeze. Still smiling with eyes closed. the End. Current Mood: groggy Current Music: "La Dispute" (Comment on this)
Friday, April 9th, 2004
2:10 pm	Yesterday was a great day. Today is a good day. Life is good. Yesterday, school was pretty strange. I was like I was seeing everything from afar and in a yellow hue. It was becuase I was thinking so much and wasn't really all up for being the usual socializer. hmm... strange. We're finally getting out of stoiciometry in chemistry, which is a very good thing becuase I really don't appreciate being lost. Mr. Madnikoff says he thinks I should pass the AP test. That made me feel hopeful. I'm going to be very sad to leave Sign Language this year. Very sad indeed. However, I'll be very happy to leave Ms. Sanchez. Jesus. Got my report card. Worst report card I've had since 9th grade. B's in everything except for an A in History andddd a D in Math. YAY! mother fucker. Ms. Sanchez. Should. Die. ok not realy but jeez what's wrong with that lady. But yeah school was weird. After school I went to Ms. Johnson's class and did an AP response that I missed and did some prepping for the AP test. I didn't try at all. And then afterwards, Ms. Johnson asked me how I thinked I did, and I laughed and said I didn;t want to do it at all and I only wrote 2 paragraphs. She doesn't understand my humor, though. She thought I was serious when I told her I learned so much in Ms. Cown in 9th grade and loved Bless Me Ultima. She nodded and I was like no Ms. Johnson! Her class was horrible!! She told me she never can tell when I'm joking. :-/ Left her class at 4:30 and walked out and saw Heather walking towards me so we could get on the bus and go out. I think we were supsed to do some SAT reviewing but OH WELL! We went all over Kendall. We went to Dunkin Donuts and then to Bellantes to eat. I ate 7 slices of Alfredo Pizza, 3 pieces of Cheese, 4 breadsticks, and 2 donuts. Oh and 2 cups of water. Heather looked at me like I was fucking crazy--nuts, she would say. Then we walked to K Bee toys and saw it in havok becuase it's closing. We ran around taking all kinds of pictures and looking for bubbles and play dough. Then it was Marshalls and Heather dressing up in all kinds of dresses and hats and sunlgasses and shoes. Then it was Flippers where I beat Heather in Air Hockey and took pictures together. Then we went to Eckerds and got candy. And finally it was to the Kendall 9 to see Ladykillers. It was the strangest movie I've seen in a long time, and Heather and I loved it. I had a great time, Heather. Oh yeah and Heather and I accidently made out a little. ( hahahahaa ) the End. P.S. My sister thinks I'm going out with Heather. P.S.S. I love you, Carla, and I love where we are. :) P.S.S.S. estellacomplex, I'm going to continue using P.S.S. :-P Current Mood: rejuvenated Current Music: "Where Are My Panties" - Outkast. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
2:08 am	History books = best photography books ( First half of the 20th century ) P.S. Too bad I got 8 F's. P.S.S. I had something else to P.S. about, but I forgot it… Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Sublime (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
11:33 pm	Attention Everyone! Click this: Garden State Trailer! When I first saw that with Heather, I gasped. I sat in awe and stared at the screen. When it was over, Heather and I looked at each other with mouths open. That movie looks amazing. ********** (5 Comments |Comment on this)
2:04 am	Happy Birthday to the Best!! Leslie's birthday was today. Went to Sunset Place (which I'm really starting to get sick of, by the way) with Heather. Was great to see Heather. I've missed you a lot and all your quirks and the way you talk and tell stories, and the way you walk. We went around making Leslie a grab bag with some cute little things. The best part was the wrapping. We wrapped it in a Wendy's bag with newspaper as tissue paper. Went to Gameworks. Sat with everyone and joked and acted like fools--like always. Played all kinds of racing games--came in last place in all of them. Got electrocuted. Beat Carla in Air Hockey. Rafted down a river with Heather and gave ourselves a workout. Everyone was having fun--from what I could see. A genuinely good time. Went to see Starsky and Hutch. Went in the girl's bathroom for 5 mins and felt really stupid after I saw all these girls staring at me. Something really crazy happened in line to get nachos :X. Laughed at some parts of the movie. Rolled my eyes at most. Went home blindly. Stared at all the balls of light that I saw. Felt helpless at the fact that I couldn't see details in anyone's face. Couldn't see anything but balls of orange, balls of yellow, balls of blue. But I had to throw out my contacts--my last pair of contacts. I was in so much pain. I was involuntarily crying the whole night. The pain was wincing. I wonder what's wrong with it. the End. P.S. Current Mood: uncomfortable (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 1st, 2004
1:36 am	Teenagers. Are. Stupid. Tonight has been crazy. Random mood swings. Burning contacts. Why are we all whiny teenagers. Why do we all write in our journals about how miserable we are. We do we post about how horrible our lives are and how unhappy we are. Why do we make fun of those who are happy all the time. Why is it trendy to be an emo kid who cries and writes about how sad he or she is. It annoys me. I wish I could be like Leslie. I bet she succumbs to adolescence and gets sad when she's by herself and left with her thoughts. Everything seems to be annoying me lately. My blurry pictures that I spend an hour taking and waste 2 whole batteries on. My sister and my nephew always surrounding me. My mom and her need to always be asking me things and delving into my life. My computer going slow by all the damn popups. My disgustingly scrawny yet chubby body. The fact that I look really gross without a shirt on. The fact that I just want to grow up and get out of this phase. The fact that I'm annoyed with myself for being annoyed at everything. I want to be on my own and think like an adult and look like an adult and act like an adult. Away with all the awkwardness. Away with all the stupidity. Away with all the raging hormones and ever-changing emotions. Away with it. Soon, please. ( If I were a... ) the End. thank God. P.S. P.S.S. I REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY want to see Garden State. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: The fucking birds chirping at 1:49 AM (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
10:38 pm	Spring Break Goddammit. I've been attempting to write a post for the last 4 days. "So spring break started"... and then I would get bored and go to another website. So spring break started. On Friday. I've been pretty busy during it. But I don't feel fulfilled. I feel like the days are slipping right from under me. Knocking me to my ass. Leaving a big, purple bruise on my ass. Brief recap, I guess: On Friday I went to Carla's house and watched Thirteen. Went to Taco Bell together. Taco Bell was bright and full of people that couldn't get my order right. Retarded Girl. Old Tortoise-like Man. Cute Woman Who Was trying To Help Me Even Though She Barely Spoke English. I felt like hitting myself and telling myself to just eat like a normal person. Your strange eating habits are confusing Old Tortoise-like Man. The sunshine in Taco Bell was captivating and shined right in my eyes as I stared at Carla staring off into space. Laid on the couch together watching the movie. It was sweet (not dude where's my car style sweet; normal sweet). Friday night I went out with Little Daniela's whole little gang to see Eternal Sunshine--again--at Sunset Place. Got picked up by Nicole. Pimped down the street in her monster truck. Laughed at little Nicole driving such a big truck. Went to Urban Outfitters and played "Guess how ridiculously expensive this is!" "Pair of sandals." "15 bucks?" "Nope... 48!" Went to Virgin Records and went to the porn section. Planned out a porn party. "Only straight porn," says Schauri, "and Lesbian too. Oh and toys." Went to Niketown. Gave Daniela, Schauri, and Sabrina a tour of the show museum. Got with Daniela and ran away from the other two, hiding by the bathroom doors and running around like spies. Ice skated on the wet tiles in front of Niketown. Fell on my face. Went to Barnes and Noble. Popped straws. Made fun of several things. Went into the movie. Sat next to Nicole. Fell asleep in it. Had lipstick put on me and was written on while I was sleeping. Woke up and fell really bad and stupid for falling asleep in my favorite movie. **Had a great time.** On Saturday I spent my entire day recalling my life by reading This Boy's Life. I finished it. Read 100 pages in 3 hours or so. I couldn't stop. I laid in my shower, water flowing all over my legs and steam floating around me, and read all about Tobias Wolff's childhood. I walked around with him and decided that I needed to write a memoir, too. Yup, I'm going to to write a memoir. On Sunday I went to Carla's house to hang out with her, Michelle, Gaby, and Leslie. I was in a rather weird mood. I walked around Carla’s block in my socks when they locked me out of Carla’s house. I laid on the floor with my feet in Carla’s pool and looked up at the sky as I waited for someone to come out and let me in. After a while, I got over my weirdness, and we went to Sunset Place. We went to Urban Outfitters and the girls dressed me up and told me how cute I looked and how I need to buy new clothes and look cute. Hey, did you know that you can’t take pictures in Sunset Place? Hey Did you know that if you do little skinny security guards with bad attitudes will escort you out and tell you they’ll arrest you if you come back? Yeah, we had a great laugh after that. ( Here’s the deal. You’ve been banned for 24 hours. ) Yesterday I did nothing. Nothing, Sam? Nope, nothing. Oh I watched 21 Grams and liked it a lot. Today we painted Michelle’s room in her new house. In Homestead, yep Homestead. Homestead is like almost as far as you can get in Florida, and it’s pretty freaky. It’s all Mexican and Black People. But it looks very countryish and there’s some white people, too. We had fun painting even if Michelle thinks I’m an idiot. I don’t feel like writing anymore so I won’t. Tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. the End. P.S. P.S.S. I made a picture journal: butaneinmyveins. Add me if you want. Current Mood: cold Current Music: Eternal Sunshine Theme (Comment on this)